Plushies
by tampoposensei
Summary: Iruka and Kakashi. A weird disagreement over a weird toy. Purest fluff but should give you a giggle. Oneshot.


Disclaimer. I do not alas, own either Kakashi or Iruka. I do however own the three plushies that inspired this tale… Don't ask.

School had finished for the day and Iruka sat at his big teacher desk grading the quiz he had given his class earlier. Kakashi sat cross-legged on top of the desk next to him. Watching intently, one eyed and unmasked as the teacher's fingers fluttered across the papers, using his red pen to correct, cross out, write comments, turning the simple sheets of answers into lessons in themselves. From the way he was pouting and teasing his lips with the tip of his tongue, it wasn't hard to imagine that Konoha's famous copy nin had a very different use for those nimble fingers in mind.

He called it keeping Iruka company.

Iruka called it getting in the way. But even in his surlier moments he had to admit that the man was damn decorative to have around.

The pen kept moving but stopped leaving a trail of red on the paper behind it. "Drat this pen's run out."

The teacher looked into the blue eye that was now taking in every detail of his annoyed expression. "Will you get me a new one? There's a box on the top shelf of that cabinet." He pointed to a large old-fashioned wooden cupboard at the back of the room.

The silver haired man's pout intensified. "Can't you just leave the rest and come home now?"

"I can but I'm not going too."

Kakashi's pout hardened, becoming almost sullen. Sliding off the desk with the languid grace of a caged tiger, he ambled across the room, opened the cupboard and reached up to the top shelf for the box of pens. Something colourful lying on the shelf next to it caught his eye.

"What's this?" He asked, picking it up.

"Oh!" The teacher blushed. "That's one of my plushies."

The copy nin smirked, raising one eyebrow. Or possibly two. "You have plushies?"

"Yes, lots of them." Iruka stood and walked to the back of the room to join him. "It's kind of an occupational hazard. I get given at least a dozen every Christmas, more for Valentines and my birthday. It would hurt the kids' feelings if I got rid of them and I have to keep them all somewhere."

"It's a scarecrow." Kakashi said pointedly.

"I know, he's one of my favourites." Iruka stole a look at the other man, blushing again. "He's a handsome fellow isn't he? Do you see how his blue flower exactly matches his blue eyes? And he has that bug on his shoe and the little mouse on his hat. The youngest Hyuga gave it to me. Sometimes I think those eyes see a little too much."

"What else do you have?" The irrepressible older man had already pulled down a big cardboard box from the cupboard shelf and was riffling through it.

He shot the other a meaningful look. "You have a lot of dolphins don't you?"

That earned him another blush. "Well yes…"

"I like this one!" Kakashi selected a particularly sleek and well-detailed dolphin and held it up. He held it to his cheek then kissed it provocatively, almost purring. "It's nice and soft, it makes me want to squeeze it."

For some reason all of the colour had drained from the teacher's face. "No don't!" He gasped.

Too late. The copy nin's pale hand closed around the plushie and a thin white projection popped out of a narrow slit on its belly.

"What the hell is that?" Kakashi asked rolling it between his fingers.

The blood had rushed back to Iruka's cheeks with a vengeance. "It's his penis." He was just able to say in a squeaky whisper.

"HIS WHAT!"

"Well it's anatomically correct you see, and er dolphins usually have their er um penises tucked inside their bodies. For… for streamlining and er I suppose in case the water is really cold."

He paused and waited for the other man to say something, when he didn't he felt compelled to continue. "They just er pop them out like that when they er want to er use them."

He looked at the ground, his face burning.

Kakashi threw back his head and roared with laughter. "It's wonderful! Can I keep it?"

"NO!" Iruka leapt at him trying to snatch it away. But he was no match for Sharigan Hakate, who held it out of his reach, then stood kissing its snout and bouncing its plushie penis with the tip of his index finger.

Iruka was close to apoplexy. "I WILL NOT, REPEAT NOT, LET YOU BE SEEN IN PUBLIC PLAYING WITH THAT THING." He took a deep breath. "If you do I will die, and I won't even get my name on the monument because dying of humiliation doesn't count as 'In the line of duty.'"

Seeing his lover's misery Kakashi was almost about to relent when he realised something. "Just a minute, you didn't get this from one of your students, did you?"

The teacher looked at him sheepishly. "No actually I didn't."

Kakashi's chakra filled the room with killing intent as he loomed over him, both eyes visible. "WHO GAVE IT TO YOU IRUKA?"

The younger man sighed irritably. "It's not like that Kakashi, I'm sure she didn't…"

"SHE! A WOMAN GAVE YOU THIS!"

Iruka's cheeks were flushed and his mouth had become a firm straight line. "Calm down Kakashi, let me explain…"

"CALM DOWN! Some woman gives you, my dolphin, my Iruka, a toy dolphin with an erection and you want me to calm down!"

'His Iruka' was shaking with indignation and breathing very very hard. "Go away! Just go away now! You're being ridiculous, I can't talk to you when you're like this!"

"I'll find her, she won't get away with this." The genius ninja promised as he stalked out of the room.

Iruka finished grading his quizzes. Then prepared everything he would need for the next day's classes. Then wrote lesson plans for the next week. Finally when he had tidied the classroom, rearranged his bookshelf, sorted the training weapons by size and weight and absolutely could not think of anything else that he could do, he just sat.

He went home at midnight.

Kakashi was already in bed, lying stiffly on the far right side, pretending to sleep. Iruka got into the far left side and lay there stiffly, pretending to sleep. They were both awake, they both knew that they were both awake and they both knew that they both knew that they were both awake. But they lay there in silence pretending to be asleep. The distance between them was only a few feet but it was wider than the Pacific Ocean.

Eventually Iruka did fall asleep. When he woke up Kakashi was gone. His silver haired lover didn't join him at lunchtime as he usually did, and he wasn't there when he got home. Iruka waited until midnight before going to bed alone. The bed seemed very large and very cold. His anger had dissipated long ago, leaving him with nothing but deep regret that he had allowed the silly misunderstanding to spiral so far out of control. He could only hope that Kakashi felt the same.

The next morning he made breakfast for one in the lonely kitchen and left for the academy. It looked as if it would be another very long day.

The downside, well one of the many downsides actually, of being… involved with a famous warrior and assassin, was that when he didn't show up for thirty hours straight, without any warning, or any explanation, or one of his friends dropping out of a nearby tree to whisper in your ear that he'll be away for a while, you tended to worry. So at the end of the school day, when Kakashi appeared out of stealth mode sitting on his desk like an apparition. Iruka both was and was not, the happiest man in the world.

"Where the hell have you been? I was worried out of my mind all day." He said tartly.

His lover's failure to tell the truth, and failure to lie, told him everything he needed to know.

"I see, you were spying on me again. Trying to find out who gave me that stupid damn dolphin. I've already told you, it's not like that. I expect you've broken into the homes of every woman I've ever met in my life looking for evidence that they're stalking me."

The silver haired man looked as guilty as it was possible for someone, with most of his face and one of his eyes covered, to look. "I'm sorry, I over reacted. It's just that it took me such a long time to win you over and I love you so much. I couldn't stand the thought that someone was trying to take you away from me." He pulled down his mask and smiled forlornly. "Forgive me?"

Iruka's heart melted to mush. He sighed deeply. "I'm sorry, I over reacted too. I should have explained properly instead of getting angry. Here, I got this in the mail today." He picked up a large thick envelope and dumped it on the other man's lap.

Kakashi opened it tentatively and tipped out a piece of typewritten paper, a catalogue and a cardboard box. The catalogue had a picture of an ugly fluffy octopus with large round eyes and sucker-covered tentacles. EDUCATIONAL PLUSH was written across it in large red lettering.

He read the letter.

Dear Educator,

I hope you enjoyed my gift from our line of anatomically accurate and scientifically correct sea creatures. This year the seastar has been added to this line. It has chenille tube feet and an embroidered stone plate. Please accept this year's gift, chosen at random from another of our educational plush toy lines.

Sincerely,

Aya Takekawa

Sales Rep. Educational Plush Toys Inc.

"It's an educational toy?" The copy nin asked.

Iruka nodded. "I've never even met the woman. I get a free gift from her company every now and then. I don't suppose that she realises that this is a ninja academy and doesn't have much use for soft fluffy things." "So what did she send you this time?" Kakashi asked, handing him the box. 

Iruka put his hand inside and pulled out a slip of paper.

Intoducing our new line of STD microbe plushies. A comfortable way to introduce an uncomfortable subject to school children.

Iruka blushed deep red and peered into the box.

"Well what is it?" Kakashi pressed. "Another obscene toy?"

His voice sounded a little too hopeful.

"Er no." Iruka answered, pulling out a long fluffy red spiral, a shade very similar to his face.

"This time she's given me syphilis."


End file.
